Give it up and make some noise
for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias!
About time we do a special here.
Before I say anything else, a big hand for my friend,
the man, the myth, the legend.
Give it up for Martin!
And the 2 guys you see standing right next to him are 2 of my oldest friends.
Not only are they friends, they work for me.
That's Ivan and Tony. Give Ivan and Tony a lotta love.
In addition to that, this is so special, right here.
Ladies and gentlemen, handing me the microphone tonight,
is the NFL's coach of the year.
and a former member of the baddest football team that ever...
... stepped on a field,
the 1985 Chicago Bears.
Coach Ron Rivera!
Thank you.
I gotta do it one time.
I am super excited you guys. Let me tell you...
this is our 19th year coming to Chicago, okay? 19 years.
The first time I came here, I got a chance to meet some people
and they said, "Gabriel, have you ever been here? Have you ever been to Chicago?"
"No, it's my first time."
They say, "Well we'd like to take you out to eat if you're down."
And I'm like, "Well, hello!"
"I am very down."
They took me to a restaurant called Portillo's.
You heard of it?
So we get there. And it was very, very good.
The hotdogs were delicious. I had a chicken chopped salad. Amazing.
Had a beef dip. Really, really good.
But it wasn't until the meal was almost over,
that these new friends of mine said,
"We'd like for you to try something you might not have never had before."
And I'm like, that's not likely.
I said, well what is it you'd want me to try?
They said, "Well they sell a thing here in Portillo's called the Chocolate Cake Shake."
I said, you had me at 'Chocolate'.
They said, "well you gotta go to the special window and you gotta order it from the lady."
So I'm like, ok, cool.
So I get up, walk over to the lady. She's like, "Can I help you?"
I said, yes. My friends are telling me, that I need to try this thing
called the Chocolate Cake Shake.
"Okay. What size would you like?"
How good is it?
"You want it large."
All right. Can I please have a large Chocolate Cake Shake?
"No problem."
Then I pay. And she turns around.
She turns around and walks over to this little refrigerator that's on the counter.
She opens it up, and she pulls out a piece of chocolate cake.
And I'm thinking to myself, she must've misunderstood what I said.
I didn't ask for a piece of chocolate cake,
I asked for a chocolate cake shake.
She must've heard what I was thinking,
cause she's walking by, and she's like,
"It's gonna happen."
She walks over to the blender, she takes the freakin' lid off,
and she just looks at me and does this.
And I was like: No!
And she's like, "Oh, yeah."
She pours it and she hands me this like 44 ounce of chocolate shake
... which is way more than anybody should be drinking.
The straw was so thick, you can almost fit your thumb in it.
So I grab the shake, and I begin to attempt to drink it.
So I'm doing....
And I can see the shake coming up.
And it hit, and then all of a sudden...
Hell, you guys even have taco trucks!
Now for anyone wondering about taco trucks, lemme just let you know right now...
That is real, good Mexican food, I don't want you being concerned, like...
"No, there's, there's wheels under that restaurant."
Well, sometimes we don't have a permit. Okay? So....
But it doesn't mean the food is not good.
For me to know that I'm gonna have a good experience at a taco truck,
I always research.
And I look to see who's running the truck.
For me to know that I'm gonna have a good time,
I wanna make sure, that it's an all-female crew.
Not to sound sexist. It's just that when it's all women running the truck,
they make me feel good about myself.
They make me feel special.
When I walk up at 1 o'clock in the morning, and I have a buzz,
they make me feel good.
They come to the window...
�Ol�, gordinho. Como est�s?
Como est�s, queridinho fofo?
Este fofinho. Que lindinho.
Vejamos. Esses olhinhos.
Esses olhinhos.�
I feel like a kid. I'm like, can I have a taco?
"Whatever you want, taquito for you."
Now see, when it's an all-Mexican male crew running the truck,
It's late. They're tired. They're bitter.
Customer service isn't our strongest point at 1 o'clock in the morning.
And then you gotta deal with a drunk knucklehead like me.
And they come to the window...
Que raio queres, badocha? What you want?
What you want?!
Hey wassup, bro? Can I have a taco?
"Okay. What else?"
That's it.
That's not even a word!
But you know exactly what he just told you.
For some reason, Mexican people, and only Mexican people,
have this sound, that comes out of us,
that can just discredit anything you put in front of it.
It doesn't matter what it is. We can kill it with that sound.
"I just graduated from college. Top of my class."
"Well fine, I'll work at Burger King."
"Papi, this is my fiance. He loves me."
"Fine! I'll be a whore."
And speaking of whores, lemme tell you where they put us up at...
That's a bad segue.
No, there's no whores at this hotel. Listen.
I would like to personally thank the promoters
for not only making this special happen but for taking really good care of us.
They put us at a hotel that's right across the street, you guys.
And you know...
You know you're in a good hotel,
when you get inside of the elevator,
and it talks.
It's one of those, you know?
"First floor."
"Second floor."
"Third floor."
I'm like, man, she sounds hot!
"Fourth floor."
"5th floor. Oh, yeah..."
Martin asks me, "How far are you going up?" I said, all the way!
I gotta see how this ends, you know what I'm saying?
And by the way guys, since the last time we were
here, I've had a few things changed in my life.
Some things happened that were so crazy,
that I couldn't even believe it was a possibility.
First thing that happened was,
I had my first ever celebrity death hoax.
Meaning that someone faked my death on the internet, and it went viral.
Someone wrote an amazing article,
that was read by over 30 million people,
that was so good, even I was like, oh my God, I was so nice.
TMZ reported it for 30 minutes
until they called my publicist and confirmed that I was still alive.
The article said that I had died October 31st,
from complications of type 2 diabetes.
And in my head, I'm thinking to myself:
That's a hell of a day to kill a diabetic.
Know what I mean? That's like killing Santa on Christmas Eve.
30 million people read this article.
No one thought to call me.
Except Martin.
That's right.
Martin was the only one that called me.
And I think that was just to verify that he still had employment.
I got that phone call...
Martin was like, "Hey..."
"You dead?"
No, man. I'm good.
"I figured. You woulda text me."
And I would've. 'Cause that's the kind of friend I am, you know?
I even asked my son Frankie. I said, Frankie did you hear I died?
"That's what they meant!"
I go, what do you mean that's what they meant?
"Well my friends were asking if you were okay."
I go, what'd you tell them? "I hadn't seen you."
So well, apparently, I died.
"Welcome back!"
And that's another thing that's changed, you guys.
My son Frankie is now 18 years old.
And 1 week away from graduation.
You guys are clapping, but he's not leaving.
I already asked him. I said, Frankie what do you wanna do with your life?
Have you thought about college? "Just now."
I'm like, Frankie, you do realize that all you need to do is get accepted.
I tell a lot of jokes.
I will pay for your entire college education,
no matter where you want to go.
As long as you get accepted. What do you think about that?
I say, if you wanna go to school in California, we'll make it happen.
You wanna go to school out of state, we'll make it happen.
I said, hell, I'll even do one of those international programs,
You know, the ones where you give them one of your children and then
they give you one of their children?
- What is it called when you kid swap? - Exchange.
Thank you. Sorry. That's right. Exchange.
Some of you are like, "That"s called human trafficking."
Different program.
I would love to do an exchange program with my son.
But don't give me a regular kid.
If I'm gonna do an exchange program,
give me a kid from like a hardcore third world country.
So that he appreciates all the basic things most American children take for granted.
That's why I say, give me little Tombutu.
Give me Tombutu.
I would love Tombutu, and Tombutu would love me.
- "Mr. Fluffy?" - Yes, Tombutu?
"I was wondering what time do we go to sleep?"
You go to sleep whenever you like. This is your room.
We sleep next door.
"All of this is for Tombutu?"
Yes, all of this is for Tombutu.
"In my village, two families sleep in an area this big."
Well, here in America, one big-ass Mexican kid sleeps right here.
Enjoy.
And then I would take him to like Ihop or Denny's and let him order whatever he wants.
And just watch him lose it.
"This is the Thanksgiving I heard of! Thank you, Mr. Fluffy! Thank you!"
"If there is anything Tombutu can do for you, please tell me. Anything."
Can you help me take out the trash?
"For you, I will eat the trash."
Meanwhile, my son's on the other side of the world,
on top of an elephant, trying to get wi-fi.
I love my son very much, you guys.
It's just that sometimes he doesn't get the position he's in.
He doesn't realize it.
Which is why I love it whenever he brings his friends over.
He brings his friends over to the house,
and they're constantly saying what I'm saying.
As a parent, anytime you tell your kid something,
that's one thing.
When you can get their friends to say what you say? You can't pay for that.
And they're always doing it. "Frankie, you're lucky, man."
"Your dad's trying to help you go to college."
"My dad wants me to get a job."
"You're lucky, man. Your dad's trying to give you a car."
"My dad doesn't even trust me to walk. You're lucky, man."
I hear this, and I'm like, I love these kids!
Because, see, my son is very numb to this situation.
He's very numb to all of you, and he's very numb to Fluffy.
Okay? He doesn't see Fluffy. He sees, "Dad! Dad!"
I'm just dad. I'm the guy that tells him clean your room, take a shower,
and put on deodorant.
Which he does very well, now!
But you guys saw what I had to do to make that happen!
His friends on the other hand, they still get excited when they see me.
They still geek out.
I walk into the living room, they're all sitting there,
Frankie sees me: "Hey, dad."
His friends see me, they see this:
With, like, doves.
Can you imagine if everytime you walked into a room that happened?
"He's here!"
Ladies, imagine if your partner could do that for you?
It's your anniversary, a celebration, some magical moment,
or you're just laying there and you're drunk?
You're just like, "What are you gonna do to me?"
"What are you gonna do?"
One extra dove.
By the way, guys, if you're ever able to pull off the doves,
just leave it at that.
Don't try to top the doves. It's very hard to top the doves.
Don't start running your mouth and talking smack.
She's laying there, and don't start, you know:
"You don't even know what's gonna happen to you. You don't even understand."
"You're gonna get it." Don't do that.
'Cause ladies all you have to do is look at him, and go...
Anyways, back to my son's friends.
So my son has these two friends that come over the house all the time.
One friend, his name is Ken. Works a lot with computers.
The other friend, his name is Fabien. He wants to be a police officer.
Both of these kids are really, really good.
Now, I keep calling everyone kids, even though they're all 18.
But to me, they're kids. I'm almost 40.
Like some of the conversations that we have are very adult-like.
And the other conversations, I'm like, what am I doing with my life?
For example, at home,
when I'm hanging out, I usually wear very similar to now except the hawaiian shirt.
I usually wear like a T-shirt that has like either Star Wars or Marvel Comics,
or Transformers on it.
Cartoons. I like wearing stuff like that around the house.
One day I'm wearing a T-shirt that has the Avengers on the front.
And I walked into the living room,
and my son's friend Fabian sees me wearing the shirt.
And so he starts pointing. I'm like, what's up, dude?
He goes, "Weak!"
- Excuse me? - "Weak!"
And then he says, "DC's better."
What did you say?
"DC's better."
I'm like, DC's okay. Obama lives there. They pass laws.
They got hotels, historic museums.
It's not even a real state. I don't know why you getting cray-cray.
"No, fool! DC Comics!"
I'm like, hey, man. I'm almost 40. I don't care.
It's just a really cool shirt. I like it. It fits!
No big deal.
- "That's 'cause they are." - You need to relax.
- "They're the best." - You need to chill.
And in my head, I'm like, why am I having this conversation?
I have better things to do with my time like trying to get my son on an elephant.
But no.
The kid in me's like, why're they the best? And then he points at the shirt again.
"Iron Man sucks. Batman's number one."
I go, why?
- "Cause he is." - That's not an argument!
First of all, Batman's not the best superhero.
I hate to break it to you. He's not!
I can hear people already giving me the boo. They're like...
"Oh, no Fluffy. Don't go there. Don't go there, Fluffy. Don't do it."
Yes. I'm gonna do this. Watch this.
Batman's not the best superhero. Batman is the creepiest superhero.
Batman is the creepiest superhero that has ever lived.
He even sounds creepy.
"I'm Batman."
You don't recognize that voice?
"Want some candy?"
"Help me find my puppy!"
He only comes out at night. His face is always covered up.
He's always waiting in alleys. And who does he talk to?
A guy named Joker. A guy named Riddler. His name is Batman.
Those are Mexican gang member names.
Can you imagine if that was Batman's real identity?
At night:
"I'm Batman."
During the day: "No, raios. Sou o Batman, meu...
Trabalho todo o dia e o Joker d-te cabo do canastro...
"I'm Batman."
I said, alright, Fabian. Mr. "Batman's the best."
Based on my T-shirt, my T- shirt says "Marvel Comics".
I see Thor, I see Captain America, I see Iron Man.
Who are some of the superheroes that DC Comics has,
that makes them better than Marvel?
Go.
- "Batman." - You said that.
- "Superman." - That's a good one.
- "Wonder Woman. Green Lantern." - Okay. Woah, woah, woah, woah.
I know the other superheroes but, Green Lantern?
What's his power?
"He wears a ring. And the ring gives him power."
I said, that's a fantasy.
I don't know any man who wears a ring who has power.
And if you're not clapping right now, my point exactly!
You can't clap, can you? You can't.
You know why you can't clap?
'Cause you're sitting next to kryptonite!
He's not even clapping. He's like, "No, no, no."
No. I got Wonder Woman.
Listen, you guys. I'm not gonna lie.
Sometimes, sometimes I feel just a pinch,
a pinch like a superhero,
in the sense that I'm able to walk out in front of large groups of people,
change people's moods, make people smile,
make people laugh, make people feel a little bit better.
By that same token, like any superhero I have my weaknesses, too.
You know, I come out here and I make you happy.
And then I go home.
And I piss off one person.
'Cause she don't wanna hear about this. She doesn't wanna hear about you guys.
I can't go home and brag, Baby, it was crazy in Chicago.
"That's nice. Take out the trash."
But they were clapping and chanting my name.
"Oh, is that gonna help? Okay."
"Take out the trash! Take out the trash!"
"Take out the trash!"
But they told me they loved me!
Oh, my God.
Do you guys have any idea,
how hard it's gonna be to go home and take out the trash now?
Thank you.
Oh, my God. This is awesome!
I hear some of you, too. Are you guys okay over there?
That's a big compliment, by the way.
Anytime I hear people in the arena and they're freakin'....
That lets me know I'm making you laugh so much,
your own body is rejecting the activity that you're participating in.
Your own lungs are telling you:
"This is not good for you. You need to leave."
But you're stubborn. You're like, "No, the ticket was expensive!"
That's usually from guys.
From women, it's a little bit different.
Anytime I hear women laughing so much, that they begin to snort...
You're already laughing. That tells me I'm making you laugh so much,
I'm causing you to inhale and exhale, at the same time,
forcing you to make that...
And if I hear a woman snort more than 2 times,
that tells me, I made you pee just a little.
I love that, bro. You're pointing out the whole time.
And she's like, "You asshole!"
Thanks for having my back.
Another thing that I now consider a compliment, is that
from time to time, I have
people who are experiencing their first ever comedy event.
And they're not accustomed to laughing for long periods of time.
And they get so excited and so involved with the show,
that they forget.
They forget to do a very basic thing...
... called Breathing!
You'd be amazed how many times I've seen this in the front row.
And they pass the hell out.
The messed up part is only I can see what's happening.
And they're usually like, "Fluffy, do something!"
I'm like...
"Do something!"
"He woke up. Thank you."
I had a lady one time,
up in the balcony,
who laughed herself unconscious.
She went forward,
and she wound up hitting her head on the rail that was in the aisle.
Now I couldn't see this because I'm on stage
and I had spotlights in my face.
And it wasn't until after the show was over,
when Martin came back out on stage and he took the microphone,
and then he tells me in my ear, "Bro, some lady just got hurt in the balcony."
"The paramedics are here, they have her in the lobby. Let's go check on her."
I'm like, let's go.
So we go behind the curtain. Security is waiting for us with a car.
So we jump in the car...
They raced us around to the front of the building.
Now, as soon as we get to the front, we see an ambulance,
we start walking in.
Now, not to take anything away, from this serious moment,
because this really did happen.
It's a little bit funny in the sense that...
My show just finished, and people are now starting to leave the building.
They just saw me on stage a minute ago. And now they see me walking in the front door.
You gotta see it through my eyes, you know?
"He's big but he's fast. I don't know how the hell he did that. That's, that's pretty good."
I come in and immediately I cut right to where
the lady and the paramedics are sitting on the steps leading to the balcony.
Now the lobby is starting to fill up with people,
and I'm trying to get from point A to point B without getting stopped.
So I started doing this. And I know it's gonna look a little weird, but it worked.
Are you okay? Are you alright?
People see me doing this and immediately, they're like puzzled.
The way you looked at me right now? They looked at me like that.
Then they did this, "Wha- what the hell's he doing?"
It made everybody take two steps back and do it like this.
It created a hole for me to get to them.
And then they see the paramedics and they realize what I was trying to do.
Everything was fine 'till I got really close.
And then one of the paramedics calls me out:
"What are you doing to the lady?"
I go, listen sir, the woman obviously sustained a head injury.
And I'm just giving her a chance to process the fact that it's really me.
And I'm slowly...
... getting closer to her.
I realize now that I'm in this incredible position where,
I can no longer walk up from behind someone at one of my shows
And go, "Hey!" Why not? 'Cause then...
"Clear!"
Fluffy killed another one.
Finally, the lady looks up.
She must've been 55, 60. Little Asian woman.
She sees me and she's like:
"You too funny."
"You almost-a kill me!"
I am so sorry. Are you okay?
Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?
"Yes."
"Yes, I feel better."
"I would like-a two T-shirt."
I'm gonna get you two T-shirts.
"And two DVD."
I'm like, you're not that hurt. Get your ass over here. C'mon.
So I stand her up. And immediately, one of the paramedics...
"Hey, she hit her head. She shouldn't be standing."
I said, listen, I'm the artist performing here tonight.
I accept full responsibility over this woman. I got her. It's cool.
Plus she's tiny.
We're only walking 10 feet to the merchandise table. No big deal.
I said, come on. I got you. Let's go.
As soon as we start walking, she starts venting:
"Mr. Fluffy, you have no idea the kind of week I have."
"My son. He marry this girl."
"She no cook. No clean."
"Move into my house."
"Now, I have to cook and clean for two."
"Some bullshit."
And I'm like, oh, my God. That's gonna happen to me.
"Mr. Fluffy, I must apologize to you,"
"because I do not know who you are until today."
"I have a friend who give me ticket."
"She say, 'Susie you stress so much. You need to get out.'"
"'Husband win ticket in raffle. Only have 1 ticket. You take it.'"
"So I look at the ticket. Ticket say, 'The Fluffy'."
"I don't know what a comedy show is because I never go comedy show."
"I see 'Fluffy', I think it's a musical like 'Cats'."
"I say, okay, I go see Fluffy Cats."
"And so I come here early so I can get a popcorn, and a soda,"
"and so I sit, and I wait for Fluffy Cats."
"Next thing I know, your friend Martin,"
"he walked out on stage with a big hair, big goatee."
"I say:"
"This not Cats. This not Cats."
"This 'Lion King'."
"That's a Mexican Mufasa."
"He start crack-a jokes. I start laughing, I laugh."
"Then you come out on stage. I can no take."
"I can't breathe. I black out."
"And when I wake up, I have a ice pack on the head,"
"blood in the eye."
"And the two, young, white paramedics,"
"they both touch me right here."
"They say, 'Are you okay?'"
"'Are you okay?'"
What did you tell them?
"Never better."
"Susie never have two, young, white man touch me right here, same time."
"Oh, your show very special, Mr. Fluffy. Very special."
"Your show, like a Make-A-Wish."
"If I have a scar...."
You're gonna sue me.
"No. No, no, no, no, no!"
"Not going to sue."
"If I have a scar, and the friends ask me:"
"Hey, how you get scar?"
"Now I have a great story to tell."
"I'm going to say..."
"Two white man. Same time."
"While a Mexican watch."
I get her back to the paramedics. The paramedics are like:
"She's a handful, huh?"
Oh, yeah. She's horny. She likes you. So here you go.
As soon as I turn around,
all I see is a lobby full of people and a bunch of cellphones.
There's footage of what I just told you out there.
Everybody was recording what happened. What I thought was cool is that
everybody waited for me to finish with the lady and the paramedics.
All of a sudden, when I turned around...
People started coming up.
Some people wanted to shake my hand. Some people wanted to high-five.
One guy just wanted to hug me. And he didn't say anything.
He just hugged me, just... Hey, you okay?
You sure?
Alright.
Couple of kids are looking at me. They're like...
And for me I thought that was so cute because I recognized that twinkle.
I've looked at someone like that before.
I've been starstruck many, many times.
As a matter of fact, this past year I got to meet one of my childhood heroes.
I got to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Now, some of you are clapping, some are like, "wait, wait, wait..."
Well here's the thing. I didn't love him as a politician,
and I was too young to know him as a bodybuilder.
All I knew was the movie Terminator was my favorite movie,
and he was the Terminator.
So here's the story.
I'm in LA at this red carpet event for some movie that I still haven't seen.
I'm standing there with my publicist, okay?
I'm standing there with my publicist,
and she's explaining to me how the red carpet works.
"Listen, Gabriel. This is what's gonna happen."
"You're gonna go down the red carpet,"
"and then the paparazzi's gonna start taking photos of you."
"And then someone's gonna ask you some questions."
"It's a lot of fun. Then we'll go inside and we'll go to the afterparty."
"It's gonna be great."
As she's telling me this, I'm looking around,
and I look over, and I notice...
I see him. I see Arnold Schwarzenegger and I freak out.
It's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
"Relax. Relax. You've never met Arnie?"
I said, no, I've never met Arnie.
"I work with him all the time. He's really nice."
"Would you like me to introduce you?"
I'm like, yes!
She takes me by the hand, and she walks me directly to Arnold.
I'm freaking out so bad, I looked like a big-ass toddler.
We get over to Arnold Schwarzenegger's area,
and he's Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's already
got a big group of people around him waiting to take a photo.
So I'm just patiently waiting.
As I'm watching him, you guys... I gotta tell you right now.
No one on this planet,
is better at meeting people than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
He's the greatest people meeter I've ever witnessed.
And the reason I say this, is because when you meet him, he's very engaging.
He grabs your hand. He pulls you in.
He looks at you in the eyes, and he turns it on.
When you meet Arnold,
you get exactly what you think you're gonna get.
It's awesome to watch, you know.
"How are you? So nice to meet you."
"You so strong. You've put weight? Look at you!"
"It's incredible. Got these lights, this red carpet. This is incre---"
"Excuse me. How are you?"
"You so strong. You've put weight? This is incredible. Look at you."
People are walking away from him, looking at their hand.
They're looking at their hand, you guys.
10 minutes I'm watching Arnold Schwarzenegger light people up.
And then I notice something else.
I noticed that Arnold, has a handler. A guy who stands right behind him.
And it's this guy's job,
to basically reset Arnold for the next person he's about to meet.
Arnold Schwarzenegger will never cut off a conversation with a fan.
The guy behind him listens in on the conversation
and he determines when enough is enough
and then he signals Arnold to cut it off and move on.
Here's the signal.
He grabs the back of Arnold's arm, right there, two times. One, two.
That lets Arnold know, cut it off, time to move on.
Always to the left.
Awesome to watch.
"This is incredible with these lights and special effects that's going on here."
"Excuse me."
"How are you? Nice to meet you. You so strong."
I'm like...
So I yell out to the handler, hey! And the handler turns around.
Hit him! I wanna meet him. Hit him!
And he starts laughing because now,
he sees that I see how the Terminator is really working.
So he gives me one of these.
Next thing you know, he is lighting Arnold up.
He is hitting Arnold so fast, Arnold can barely keep up.
"Excuse me. Pardon me."
"Excuse me. Hello how are you. High five. High five."
"Excuse me. How are you. Very good. Pound it."
He's coming down the line, coming down the line and I'm just waiting.
And I stick my hand out and he grabbed it.
"How are you? So..."
"I recognize you."
"I know who you are."
"You're that comedian who does the joke about the Indian man trying to rob a bank,"
"but he cannot rob the bank, because they are making fun of him."
And in my head, I'm like, he knows me!
Outside, I'm like, yeah, that's me.
"You are hysterical. Give me your contact information."
"You are the funniest perso... Excuse me."
- "How are you? Nice to meet you. You're so strong." - Hey!
Meeting Arnold is like a really good roller coaster.
You wanna go to the end and meet him one more time. You know what I'm saying?
It was so cool because, I'm watching him and people started recording him.
For me, you guys, it's one of these things where,
I'm finding myself in a very interesting situation right now,
because, I like hanging out. I like going out.
I've been drunk in Chicago many, many times.
I like to have fun.
Here's the problem.
I recently signed a contract with ABC Television,
in hopes of producing my very own sitcom for TV.
It's not a guarantee, but I am guaranteed a pilot.
Here's the problem.
ABC is owned by Disney.
Disney is such a huge brand that,
anytime someone threatens the way you look at that brand,
they are dealt with in a very un-Disney-like way.
This sitcom that I'm producing is about me.
I played myself. I play Gabriel Iglesias.
It's about me, my family. My friends.
My friend, Martin...
... is not allowed on the show.
Not per me. Take it up with the Mouse.
They look at your social media, they look at all of your stuff that you have online,
if there's anything about you that doesn't fit that model,
they will freaking...
And I'm paranoid. Because Disney's so big. They're so huge.
They own television stations, they own radio stations.
They own Marvel Comics. They own Star Wars!
I don't need that phone call, you know?
Hello?
"Fucked up, you did."
I'm so freaking paranoid, you guys.
Because nowadays, people are always recording.
If you do something that might look stupid,
it can still end up turning out even worse.
For example, let's say I fall off this stage tonight and someone's recording that.
If TMZ gets a hold of that, it can go viral.
And, God forbid, something happens to me, it can make the news.
"We're standing here in front of the AllState Arena in Rosemont, Illinois,"
"where authorities believe Fluffy lost control."
"The 39-year old comedian was found dead for the second time in 2 years."
"No one knows exactly what happened here tonight."
"Authorities had this to say..."
That's what I'm saying, you guys. I gotta be careful,
because I still enjoy my habits.
I still like drinking.
And, of course then some people pull me aside and say:
"Gabriel, why do you drink? Why do you drink?"
"You have so many responsibilities and people you take care of."
"Why do you drink?"
Because. I have a lot of responsibilities and people to take care of.
Some of you already know, because you've been to my shows in the past.
My poison of choice, is tequila.
Certain alcohol, I no longer mess with anymore.
Like, I no longer mess with Jager.
First of all, any alcohol that will make you say its name...
... is not safe.
That's the only alcohol that will make you do that.
That's the only one you hear people: "Jager!"
You don't hear anyone else. You don't hear Mexicans...
"Tequila, meu!"
You don't hear black people: "Hennessy, playah!"
You don't hear Japanese: "Sake! Sake!"
Jager is scary for a few reasons.
One, I'm type 2 diabetic. I shouldn't even be drinking.
But Jager has twice as much sugar in it.
Second thing, is the consistency. It's very sticky.
It's like cough syrup.
So if you drink too much of it, it holds on longer than anything else,
and it's nasty. When you drink it, you're like...
"Para la tos."
It's horrible.
If you drink too much of it, it holds on longer than anything else.
You know what I'm saying? Like if you have one too many beers, you know what happens.
You get the.... And then you return it to the rightful owner.
Jager makes you feel like you gotta bring it back, but you can't.
All it does is make you dramatic for 45 minutes until it lets go.
You've seen someone like that: hey, you okay?
"I'm fine, bro..."
They can't throw up. All they're doing is 6-minute abs.
People look at you the next day: "Are you into fitness?"
No. I'm a drunk.
Man. Jager's scary.
Another alcohol I refuse to mess with anymore...
... is wine.
People over there...
"We're from Schaumburg."
For those that don't know, Schaumburg is the kind of the Beverly Hills of the area. So...
I'm sure you figured that one out by now.
My issue with wine is very simple.
I don't like the fact that wine is socially accepted.
And what I mean by that, is that if you see someone with a bottle of wine...
If you see a guy crossing the street with a bottle of wine,
immediately he's judged, but in a positive way.
Because wine is always associated with something high-class,
something positive, something progressive,
an anniversary, a celebration, a promotion.
So you try to figure it out: "Hey, what do you think is going on over there?"
"Graduation? Promotion? It's gotta be good."
"Hey, good for you, buddy."
Women see a man with a bottle of wine, holding a couple of glasses,
and immediately...
"Lucky bitch."
It's still alcohol.
It will still mess you up.
The main reason why I don't like wine,
is because you cannot accurately measure wine.
You can measure real liquor. It's called a shot.
And you know, after drinking enough times,
what you can handle and what you can't handle.
Because people who drink a lot love
to brag about their drinking abilities.
They have their drinking number. Right?
They have their drinking number.
You'll hear them:
"Eleven shots of Don Julio! Yeah!"
They have their drinking number. Even women.
"After four shots of Cuervo, I am so good."
"Four shots is my sweet spot."
- What happens if you do five? - "I'll wake up in an alley."
- What happens if you do six? - "That's how I met Tyrone."
See with wine, you cannot accurately measure how much you're drinking,
unless you're basing it on the bottle.
And if you're basing it on the bottle, then that's a whole different issue.
With wine, the glasses are always different sizes.
Sometimes they're big glasses. Sometimes they're small glasses.
And a lot of times you need to rely on someone to pour it for you.
Sometimes they know what they're doing. Sometimes they don't.
Sometimes they fill it up too high, which is not the proper amount.
Sometimes they get it just right, which is a little bit less than half of the glass.
Sometimes you get that greedy bastard from Olive Garden.
You know what I'm talking about? When you get that little sample? Then you have to hold it up in direct sunlight and do this.
Then you drink it. You're like, "That's pretty good. I got a coupon for that. Here you go."
And you never see wine drinkers drinking with real drinkers in dive bars.
You might see them at a social gathering like this one, or some corporate function.
But never at a little hole in the wall.
You'll never see, "Jager!"
"Tequila, meu!"
And in the middle, "Merlot, I say."
"Oh, this is a fantastic establishment. I truly enjoy the decor here."
"This is amazing."
"This is brilliant, I tell you. Who cuts your grass?"
"This is fantastic."
I'm sorry. That voice always makes me laugh. I like it.
It makes me smile. You know, when we're here...
... in America.
Whenever I travel, and I perform in England,
- that voice takes on a different meaning. - Woo!
Now I heard a 'woo'. Do we have people in the house from the UK?
Alright. Let me tell the rest of the people about you.
I love it whenever people from the UK, come here to the United States,
because, when we hear you speak,
You sound incredible, you sound amazing.
You sound educated.
You sound inspirational.
That accent is so proper, it is so proper,
it doesn't matter what you're talking about,
we're drawn to whatever it is.
You can be talking about trash. It sounds amazing.
"Who could leave all this rubbish here? This is such a travesty."
"This is all, just, destruction here all over this side."
"Someone must tend to this at once. This is ridiculous."
People are listening in...
"I don't know what happened over there, but the shit hit the fan."
"That guy from England is pissed. I don't know."
"What the hell is rubbish?"
See? It's very different.
Now when one of us goes over there,
man, it's very, very different,
because, see, we don't sound the same as them.
As a matter of fact,
As Americans, we have a certain way with the English language.
Do you understand how we sound to them?
Seriously, do you know how they look at us, when they hear us speak?
We sound like this to them:
"I'd tell you right now. The other day I was hangin' out with Phil, right?"
"That sumbitch came over the house. We had ourselves a good ol' time."
"That's what I did with Phil."
And by the way, if you sound like that here tonight, I'm just kidding. They're just jokes.
Don't feel like, just... you know...
"I'mma wait for his ass outside."
"Let's see how fun he is when he gets to the parking lot. Fluffy, my ass."
I just think it's funny,
that no matter what they talk about over there,
they sound the same.
It sounds the same.
Whereas with us, Americans,
we speak according to our environment.
We change it up. We morph. We adapt.
We all have our...
For example, we all have our "trying to get a good job" voice.
When you walk in for that interview, you don't sound the way
you sound the way you sound on a Saturday night when you're having a couple of drinks, no.
You clean it up. You practice in the car.
And when you walk in, you turn it on.
"If you'll check my references,"
"you'll see I'm more than qualified for this position."
"Please, feel free to call Frank Torres."
"Frank'll tell you the amazing job I did for him 2 and a half weeks ago."
"Listen. I'm ready to work 7 days a week, 365 days a year."
"No job is too big. No task is too small."
"You can count on me. I'm the right person for the job."
"Please keep me in mind. Thank you so much for your time."
And then you get to the parking lot...
And then you get to the parking lot, and you're like...
"Cabr�o. Espero que me d� um emprego, porque esta merda � dura."
"I need a job, man. I need a job."
You guys know we all have our daytime voice
that we have around our family, and our friends,
and our children, you know.
And then, we have our late night voice. Our party voice.
"Jager!"
And then if you're lucky enough, you have your late, late, late night voice.
"That's right. You don't even know what's about to happen."
"You better...."
�Vou agarrar-te, cabra. Gostas assim, n�o gostas?�
Some of you are looking at me like, "Oh, my God. Fluffy's a freak."
I'm just giving a good example.
All the kids are like, "Oh, this is different."
Sorry. 'Cause I see those kids, and they're just like...
Dad's like...
"Stupid. Bad Fluffy."
But see now, over there, they sound the same no matter what they're doing.
When they apply for a job.
"If you'll check my references,"
"you will see I'm more than qualified for this position."
When they party.
"If you'll pour me the wine, I will drink it. It is brilliant, I tell you."
When they're making love.
"I'm going to part your legs like the Red Sea."
"Oh, I'm going to defile you in such an amazing fashion,"
"you will rule the day you came across me at that local pub,"
"I'm going to lower my drawbridge and introduce you to the Queen!"
"Yes, I shall."
"And when you arrive at that magical moment, I want you to scream 'victory!'"
"Victory!"
"My job is done here."
The only messed up part about that joke
is that, that's the only joke the kids remember.
It'll be two weeks from now. And you're trying to get in their room,
You're like, "Why is this door locked?" And then you hear, "Victory."
I see a couple of young adults right there. How old are you guys?
Thirteen.
Wow. And next to you? How old are you?
You're ten.
I am so sorry for what Martin said.
Ten years old. But you know what though, I can't feel too bad. Because, you know what,
10 year olds are young adults. You are young adults.
I don't see you as a kid.
A kid to me, first of all, is someone who doesn't have access to the Internet.
You have I'm sure a tablet or a cellphone or access to online services, right?
Services. "What the hell is he talking about?"
Bad choice of words. But you know what I mean, right?
You've probably seen and heard a few things already.
And the parents are like, "No, no, no. Not my child. I lock their phone."
Yeah. But you don't lock their friends' phone.
I feel bad whenever I say something that's kinda like risque,
whenever parents bring like a 4-year old, 5-year old, 6-year old.
Yes, it happens. Then, I feel bad.
'Cause then I'll meet them after the show. And I'm like:
I am so sorry for what you heard me say.
And it's always funny to see the parents say, "Oh, they hear worse at home."
Nothing like watching a four year old confirm that, you know. Just...
For example, my son.
He's 18 years old. But he still doesn't cuss at home, okay?
Now whatever he does in public, I have no control over.
But at home, he knows he cannot cuss.
One time.
One time in like 13 years, I caught my son cussing at home
and I couldn't even get mad.
He had fallen down the stairs.
I don't mean to laugh, but think about it.
What am I gonna do to him that's worse than what he just did to himself?
I heard it too.
"Son of a bitch!"
I ran over. I didn't even check his safety.
I was like, what did you say?
You earned that one.
I said, if you wanna say the F-word, next time, lemme push you.
That's when I knew he fell hard. "Really?" - No. Get up here. Come on.
Welcome, you guys. I hope you have a good time...
I know you're getting nervous, dad, you see me talking to you like, "What are you telling my son?"
No, nothing. Nothing. Be cool.
But thank you for trusting me to bring your kids to the show.
Or your young adults. Sorry.
Thank you for trusting me to bring your young adults to the show.
And by the way, I know I keep pointing at people in the front right here.
If you're here tonight...
... with someone you have no business being here with...
... and you see a camera coming by, just be like...
"Victory!"
They're very respectful. They'll go to the next person.
Don't even worry about that.
Before I forget, you guys, I would like to thank the Allstate Arena
for providing some amazing accomodations backstage.
Lemme tell you right now, I love my dressing room
for the simple fact that it has basic things that I really like.
Like light switches.
A lot of these arenas are now starting to go green,
and so they're taking away the light switches and they're replacing them with sensors.
Sensors are cool, when they work.
Know what I mean? Like when you're 10 feet away and it senses you,
and the whole room just...
What I don't like is that when they're messed up
then you'd have to walk into a dark- ass room and establish your presence.
But then you stand still for four seconds... Shit!
In addition, backstage, my sink has knobs on it.
I have control of the temperature and the pressure of the water,
which, in the Chicago area, I believe is very important, especially in the winter.
Oh, man. You guys are no joke in the winter.
You need warm water when you wash your hands.
You can't rely on a sensor that gives you nothing but cold water.
'Cause you wash your hands with cold water, your hands get all cryptic.
Then you go outside, and people are making fun of you:
"Look at Thriller!"
My dressing room, you guys, has a sink, that has hot and cold...
You can control the water. You can control the temperature.
You can control the pressure.
I hate it when they take that away from us and replace it with that little sensor.
So now, in addition to being a comedian, now I gotta be a magician.
I'm not a magician. But if you watch me wash my hands, that's what I'd look like.
Nothing. Then you walk away...
I feel like there's someone behind the mirror messing with me, like, "Watch this."
Some places stop there. Some places keep going.
I like a lotta soap when I wash my hands. I like a good soap dispenser.
I like, you know, the pump, that...
I hate it when they take that away from us,
and they replace it with that little stout that goes next to the faucet.
You stick your hand under it and it gives you that little booger of soap.
Know what I mean? That little moco. You put it under...
You know you need more. So you pull it out and then you go back in,
but the sensor's like, "No, it's still you."
Now you gotta trick it, right?
Once you get enough soap on your hands, now you gotta try to wash it off.
But you can't wash it off then and there because the timer for the water has timed out.
So now you have to back up, and now you have to put on a second performance.
Now it's a race to get that soap off your hands.
Once you get the soap off your hands, now you gotta try to dry your hands.
Some places still give you a towel. Some places give you paper towels.
Some take the paper towels and they put them on a box on the wall, with another sensor.
And there you are.
Three inches of paper.
Three inches, Chicago. You can't do anything with 3 inches.
Ask any woman. They'll tell you.
Or a guy. I'm equal opportunity.
I need control of the paper. I need the crank, the...
Some places stop there. Some places keep going.
Have you ever walked into the bathroom stall,
closed the door, locked it, turned around, looked at the toilet
and seen a blinking red light on the wall?
And you're like, "Really? Here too?"
All you're trying to do is get the tissue paper off the wall for the toilet seat.
You take one step...
I haven't even done anything.
You grabbed the paper...
You turn around and you put it on like a cape...
And you let it slide down your back while you slowly try to time it just right.
And just as you're about to sit down, somebody always walks into the bathroom and distracts you.
But it's too late! Your knees are bent.
And unless you do CrossFit, you're not coming back from that one.
Then your bare ass touches the seat...
... and you're like...
And just when you think it can't get any worse...
Now there's water's splashing up, hitting you right in the ass.
And then the water goes down the drain and it creates that air vortex that goes
right between your legs.
So now you have a tsunami in the back, you have a tornado in the front.
And who's the victim? Pikachu.
And he's holding on for dear life.
You haven't even made magic yet,
and you've already been violated by plumbing.
Now you do what you need to do.
You finish.
Now it's time for clean-up,
for maintenance.
So you reach over for the toilet paper.
And the problem with using the restroom nowadays is that,
most venues, including this one,
instead of putting a human- sized toilet paper roll,
inside of the human-sized toilet paper roll dispenser...
... they take their ass to Costco
or one of these places where you buy in bulk
and they buy that giant gorilla roll of toilet paper.
And then they come back here and they'd force it into that little, tiny compartment...
... and then they close the door on it.
So now this giant wheel's locked in place.
You can't even spin it. You're just...
You can't even find where it starts because they glue it!
Out of desperation, you gotta pull out your car keys,
and cut into the side of it.
Like a bag of cocaine on Narcos.
Then you get the paper.
You try to wipe.
Chicago, a year from now. A year from now, I am predicting
that they're gonna take 100% control of the restroom.
You're gonna be sitting there. And you're gonna think of me,
'cause you're gonna see it.
You're gonna look over to get the toilet paper,
and there's gonna be a blinking red light on it.
And you're gonna be like, "Oh, my God, Fluffy called it."
And what are you gonna have to do?
One sheet.
You're gonna get frustrated and just sit on it. Just...
Sorry, bro. I know that was a lot of culo I threw at you right there.
She's like, "It's like Magic Mike."
I'm so sorry, bro. That was a lot.
"Damn!"
You guys, I understand.
I understand why they do this to our restrooms,
why they put sensors in places,
because, they're trying to save energy. They're trying to save water.
I live in California. We need water.
Okay? We do.
But some places need sensors, some places don't.
Some places are good at teaching us how to conserve energy and conserve water.
Some places are horrible at it. Like the hotel that we're staying at.
They have a very basic thing that they do.
They have a little cardboard sign
that hangs on the towel rack in the bathroom.
All it says is: "Please help save water by reusing your towel."
And on the back it has a diagram and it shows you the millions of gallons of water
that are saved every year when people reuse their towel.
I reuse them at home. I got no problem doing that at the hotel.
It's my towel.
Some people don't wanna reuse their towels.
They're like, "That towel's dirty."
Well if that towel's dirty, then you suck at showers.
Because, theoretically, that white towel should be white
every single time you use it.
But no, people like to roll it up and then go expert mode with it.
And now you waste more water trying to get that out.
Like I said, some places are good at teaching us
how to save energy, save water.
Some places are horrible at it.
I was at a university not so long ago. Very close to here.
And this university, has a lot of money,
so much so, that they have their own private police department that's on campus.
It's only for the campus. Not a big deal.
There's a lot of colleges that have their own on-campus police.
The difference is, this college, somehow or another,
wound up giving the police department Priuses to use for their patrol cars.
Now some of you already know the university.
Now look, this is not even a joke.
My thing is that, if you're an officer of the law...
... it's your job to fight crime.
The first thing that people see when you arrive on the scene,
is your mode of transportation.
Your vehicle needs to establish dominance of the situation,
before you set one foot outside.
In California, over 65% of
California highway patrol officers now drive SUVs.
So when you get stopped over there, you feel it.
You're intimidated by it.
And people jump out on the freeway, "Don't kill me!"
Now, imagine getting stopped by...
Don't let me get stopped by a cop, in a Prius...
... with attitude.
"You know why I stopped you?"
Because I let you?
Imagine the first time they did a DUI stop?
The cop probably didn't even get out of the car. He just stayed on the radio.
"Sir, step out of your vehicle right now."
All right.
Is that a Prius?
I must be drunk.
"Sir, walk the line."
Okay. Alright.
Officer?
If I gotta go to jail, can you call a real cop car to pick me up?
"Stop being a smartass. Walk the line."
Okay. Hey, real quick. Real quick. Hey,
charge my phone.
"That's it. You're going to jail."
I don't know, man.
A lotta times... Yes, sir? Que pasa?
I love you too, bro. Gimme cake, sugar-free.
I gotta be careful. I almost slipped right there.
He's like, "I'll catch you." Yeah, you'll catch me, you'll catch me,
and you'll catch me and you'll catch me.
It's like SeaWorld without the water.
I gotta start being careful you guys, because I'm noticing now,
after six specials,
that a lot of my material, a lot of my stories,
are starting to come back, to haunt me.
Some of them, in good ways. Some of them, not so good.
For example, in 1997...
... on TV, one time, one time I said,
"I love chocolate cake."
One time.
Nineteen years later,
people are still bringing me chocolate cakes.
That is crazy. I mean, think about that.
19 years ago and I'm still getting cake.
I've only said it one time.
Next thing you know I've talked about how much I loved diet sodas,
Next thing you know, people started bringing me diet sodas.
In the following special, Aloha Fluffy,
I started talking about how my son's growing, a little bit
older, and the hormones are kicking in and he needed to use deodorant.
Next thing you know, his friends started bringing deodorant,
and people started bringing deodorant to my shows for me to give to my son.
In that same special, Aloha Fluffy,
I told a story. A story that went viral,
called the Racist Gift Basket story.
The story itself is about 15 minutes long, okay?
I'm gonna give you the 3- minute version of that story,
so you understand what's going on.
Basically, Martin and I are doing a show in Sacramento, California.
We're driving from L.A. to Sacramento.
We're passing through a small town called Fresno.
As we're passing through Fresno,
We reach out to the local promoter who does the shows there.
We're good friends with him.
And he tells us... 'Cause we're trying to have lunch, and he goes,
He's busy, but by the way, G Reilly's in town.
And we're like, oh, shoot. Our friend, G Reilly's in town.
He's at the hotel.
He's at the hotel. We knew exactly where he was at.
So I say, Martin, how about we go and visit G?
Martin goes, "Let's stop by."
I figured, first let's go pick up some sodas, some drinks so we can surprise him.
So we get to the market. As soon as we walk in the door, we see a whole pile of gift baskets.
Martin goes, "We should get him a gift basket."
I said, Martin, G Reilly doesn't like gift baskets, okay?
He doesn't like the fancy wine, the fancy cheese, and the sausage.
He definitely hates crackers.
You don't even know why that's so funny. But, anyways...
I said, how about this, Martin?
He doesn't know we're coming. Let's have a little fun with him.
How 'bout we make him, a racist gift basket?
And Martin goes, "What's that?"
I go, you know, Martin. A racist gift basket.
A gift basket designed to have fun with whatever race you're trying to mess with.
Now in G's case, he's black. It was easy.
Now I say easy not to be an ass.
I say easy because there's so many stereotypes attached to African-Americans.
So, we have this empty gift basket.
What do we put in it?
Fried chicken, watermelon, Kool-Aid, grape soda,
barbecue potato chips, sunflower seeds,
an Ebony magazine,
a Chris Rock DVD called Bigger and Blacker,
Magnum condoms, Newport cigarettes,
a rack of ribs, the recipe for cornbread.
We put everything but a white girl with a big ass in the basket.
We wrapped it up really nice, we put a big bow on it, and we took it to the hotel.
We had the girl at the front desk deliver it to his room.
Martin and I are waiting in the hallway, where he can't see us.
So she knocks on the door.
G Reilly opens the door. She gives him the gift basket.
He says, "Thank you." Closes the door.
Martin and I run over to the door
and we start listening to him opening up the gift basket.
As he's opening it, he's getting excited.
And he is enjoying every single thing he is pulling out of that basket.
He is loving this basket until he realizes it's a practical joke.
And then he freaks out because he read the greeting card.
The greeting card, freaked him out,
because now he thinks that the KKK sent the gift basket.
Now some of you are like, "Why does he think that?"
Because that's what we wrote.
If you're gonna do a practical joke, you go big or you go home, is what I'm trying to say.
So he freaks out and he tries to run out of the hotel room.
As soon as he gets in the hallway, he sees Martin and I laughing,
and he puts two and two together.
So then he cusses us out.
He forgives us, gives us a hug, high five. We go back in his room.
And then I eat his chicken.
What winds up happening, is that story goes crazy on Comedy Central.
People are giving them a hard time, so they pull it.
Next thing you know, I upload it thru YouTube.
10 million views it gets on YouTube.
Then they flag it, because the word 'racist' is on the title.
So it gets pulled off. So then, I reupload it.
It gets another 10 million. Then I had people share it.
All in all, the video's probably gotten about a little over a 100 million views.
So here's what happened.
Just like...
... the chocolate cakes...
... the diet soda...
... and the deodorant...
Before you know it, people started bringing me...
... Mexican racist gift baskets.
When it first started happning, listen guys,
I'm not gonna lie, it was actually kinda cute because it was only other Mexicans
bringing me these "Mexican racist gift baskets."
It started in LA after a show.
This one guy walks up to me with a basket, and he's like:
"Hey, wassup, homie? Got you a racist gift basket."
I said, we're the same race. "Yeah, whatever." Alright. Whatever.
I take it backstage, and all the items in the basket,
made it to my house.
There was a Mexican blanket with a tiger on it,
bunch of bottles of Fanta, bottles of sangria,
Vicente Fernandez CDs, Mexican candy,
pan dulce, sweet bread.
Everything made it to my house.
Now...
The more East Coast we started travelling,
The more down South we started performing...
... the more...
... creative...
... the gift baskets started getting.
Fast-forward to Mobile, Alabama.
Oh, it gets good.
Earlier tonight, before we kicked off the special,
my friend Martin was out here making a couple of announcements.
One of the announcements that he made was:
"If you brought a gift, please hold on to it until after the show."
"Don't bring it to the stage. It could"
"interrupt the flow of the performance."
The only reason why he makes this announcement,
every single night,
is because of one show in Mobile.
So here's what happens.
I tell the entire racist gift basket story, the full 16 minutes, right?
As soon as I finish, a guy from the back of the theater
rushes the front of the stage.
Now keep in mind, this area is full.
In Mobile, the aisle was right up the middle.
So the guy had a clean shot to me.
He hauled ass like it was the Price is Right. All the way down.
Much like tonight, there was security there that night.
Security sees the guy with the basket, but no one thought to stop him.
All they did was, "That's pretty."
"That's nice. That's pretty, yeah."
So the guy makes it all the way to the front. He takes the gift basket
and he puts it on the stage.
Now he's heckling me from where you're sitting.
I'm standing here, and he's like, "Fluffy!"
What's up, dude?
"I got this for you."
Thank you.
"Open it."
I go, sir, we're kind of in the middle of a show right now.
I appreciate the gift. That's very nice of you. But...
How about this? I'll open it after the show.
"Come on, Fluffy. I wanna see your face."
Sir, how about this:
You take the gift basket and you bring it over here to the side of the stage where security's at,
and I'll have security escort you behind the curtain,
and then I'll open it up backstage with you in front of me. How's that?
And he's not taking no for an answer.
Now the problem is, the crowd just saw me tell the racist gift basket story,
and all of a sudden, there's a guy, with a gift basket.
They have no idea I'm not affiliated with freakin' Duck Dynasty in the front row.
So now I'm trying to diffuse the situation before it gets crazy,
but he's not taking no for an answer.
Next thing you know, he does something no other audience member has ever done
in my 19-plus years as a comedian.
He takes the whole crowd away from me, flips them and then uses them on me...
... in five seconds.
It was the most amazing, horrific thing I have ever witnessed.
This is all he did:
"Come on, Fluffy!"
"We wanna see your face!"
"We wanna see your face! We wanna see your..."
He gets 2,000 people behind him to start chanting...
"We wanna see your face!"
"We wanna see your face."
It was very evident, this was not the first rally he's ever led.
The crowd is so loud,
I can no longer hear myself over the monitor.
So I'm like, I lost. So I get to my hands and knees.
I put the microphone down. I grab the gift basket.
And I start tearing it open.
I reach in.
Forget about pulling out Mexican soda, Mexican candy, or a Mexican blanket.
This dude was a pro.
I started pulling out gardening tools.
I'm pulling out a rake, a toy shovel, a toy leaf blower.
"Dig deeper, Fluffy! Dig deeper!"
I pull out a soccerball. I go, dude, it says 'Puerto Rico.'
"They ran out of Mexico."
I pull out a brick. I go, what's the brick for?
"The wall!"
I pull out an actual application for US citizenship.
I said, there's no way this can get any worse.
"Dig deeper!" I was wrong.
I pull out an old school box of Crayola crayons.
You know the 64 pack that has a sharpener on the back?
Okay.
There's a window on the front of the crayons
so you can see all of the colors that are in the box.
All of the crayons in the box are brown,
except for one, white crayon right in the middle.
I said, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
And he looks at me and he says, "Welcome to my world!"
The crowd is laughing so hard,
I know for a fact I don't have a joke that's gonna follow that.
So I made it seem like that was the end of my performance.
I picked up the gift basket. I said, thank you, Mobile!
And I gave the guy a dirty look. Motherfucker!
I go behind the curtain. Martin is waiting behind the curtain.
And Martin's like, "Bro."
"You killed it out there."
I go, Martin, they weren't laughing at my jokes.
"What were they laughing at?" And I showed him the application,
and he's like...
"You're not my friend. He's not my friend."
So I walk into the dressing room, you guys. And I'm pissed, man.
I walk in. I close the door.
I put the basket down. I'm scratching my head.
I'm trying to think, what could I have done,
to have prevented that from getting to where it went?
So, I'm like should I have grabbed the gift basket, moved it out of the way?
Should I have security grab the guy, have security grab the gift basket and the guy?
Every idea that I'm coming up with is ending worse.
Finally, I accept it.
I jump in the shower.
I get out. I get dressed. Security shows up.
"Mr. Iglesias?"
"Ready?"
Yeah, yeah. Gimme a second. I grab my backpack, I put on my backpack.
I walk over to the door. Open up the door, let's go!
He sees the gift basket on the chair.
And he's trying to be nice.
"I'll get that for you, sir."
Yeah. Bring it.
Never know when you might need an application.
So now he's escorting me, out the back door of the theater into an empty parking lot
on our way to the tour bus that's at the very end of the parking lot.
We're walking for a good four minutes.
All of a sudden, I hear this:
"Fluffy!"
I'm like, is he hog-calling me?
"I believe so, sir."
It's the guy that gave me the gift basket,
and now he's standing next to the tour bus.
So there's no way I'm gonna get past him.
So I'm like, man! So we stop walking.
Security's like, "Would you like me to call for back-up?"
No, no, no, you don't need to call for back-up. He won't hurt me.
It's just gonna get really weird.
So I pull out my cellphone, and I'm trying to text Martin.
Come on, Martin. Get over... He's not replying.
The guy gets tired of waiting next to the bus.
So now he's walking towards me,
but he's doing it in a really weird way.
He's walking towards me, like I'm a dangerous animal.
Okay? He's doing this:
"Fluffy."
I'm not gonna do anything!
And he walks over and he's just ranting.
"Alright, look here, Fluffster."
"First and foremost, lemme just tell you something right now."
"I've been watching your comedy for about 7 years now,"
"and my favorite joke that you tell,"
"is when you give that gift basket to your colored friend, G."
"Man, first time I heard you tell that joke,"
"I wanted to laugh really hard, but I couldn't, right"
"because I was at a bar sitting next to two black people."
"And you can't laugh at a black joke in front of black people 'cause,"
"they get all uppity, and start chanting civil rights, and Rosa Parks and shit like that."
"Hey, I voted for Obama, but it's too soon to laugh."
"You know what I'm sayin'?"
"Anyway, I took my happy ass home and I got on the Internet,"
"and I googled 'racist gift basket', and your joke came up,"
"and man, I had me a good old laugh. And I said, you know, I love Fluffy's sense of humor."
"He likes to push the envelope with his friends,"
"and he doesn't allow political correctness to interfere with a good friendship."
"At the end of the day, you're still friends,"
"you still love each other, you still respect one another."
"I said, hey, if the Fluffster ever shows his ass here in Mobile,"
"I'd be first in line to get me one of them tickets."
"And you came! So I'm telling my friends:"
"Let's go! Let's go see the Fluffster."
"I said, but first, I'd bet you anything he'd appreciate it,"
"if somebody were to get him one of them gift baskets like he got G."
"Except we got you the UPS basket."
UPS basket?
"Yeah. What can brown do for you? So..."
"The problem is, you didn't laugh."
"You got offended. And I didn't want you to get offended, Fluffster."
"I wanted you to laugh."
"The problem is that, I didn't need you thinking that,"
"Mobile was a horrible place and we were horrible people."
"We were just try'na have fun with you the same way you had fun with your buddy G."
"We work very hard here. 40 plus hours a week myself."
"And the amount of money, and time that we put into that gift basket,"
"is only because we love you."
"Do you have any idea how long I was on the goddamn Internet,"
"trying to find an application for US citizenship..."
"... in English? Are you shitting me?"
"Everything's in Español."
"Hey, I voted for Obama. I ain't got time for that."
"The bottomline is that, I'm sorry for interfering with your performance."
"It'll never happen again."
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
"And hopefully, you'll allow me to take a picture with you."
"I'm sorry."
And I was like, oh, my God. I'm a dick.
I said, listen, sir, you don't have to apologize. I should.
I didn't handle the situation the right way.
But you gotta look at it through my eyes.
I've never had anyone take an entire crowd away from me.
- "That was pretty good, huh?" - Will you listen?
Yes, that was pretty good.
Look, I'm very sorry that I got upset..
I won't let that happen again. You don't have to apologize.
I will be more than happy to take a picture with you.
"Now, see."
"That's what I'm sayin', right there."
"That's what I'm sayin' right there!"
"All my friends are like, 'To hell with that beaner.'"
"I said, nope. Nope."
"That beaner is good people."
And then he pulled out his camera, right?
And he tries to hand this disposable fun saver camera,
to this 19 year old security guard,
who's never handled that level of technology.
He puts the gift basket down, we hand him the camera.
He's looking for an app. He's looking for a screen.
Meanwhile, the guy wants to pose with his arm over my shoulders.
He's a little shorter than me, so I gotta do this one right here.
He's got me in this headlock. And he just starts talking:
"Look here, Fluffster, lemme just tell you something right now."
"I really appreciate what you do."
"I'm gonna continue to pray for you, your family, your friends and your success."
"Because what you do is a Godsend. It really is."
"In these times, you make people smile. You make people laugh."
"We need more of that in our lives."
"Look, I'm not try'na blow smoke up your butt, but look,"
"I don't have children. But if I ever had one of my own,"
"I'd hope he have your spirit."
"God bless you."
Listen, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey buddy, listen, if there's anything I can do...
"Don't... Don't do that."
"Don't say what you don't mean."
"Let's just take a picture."
"Don't say what you don't mean if you don't mean it."
If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
"Hold up the application."
Chicago, I love you. Thank you.
Have a great night. Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Legendas: Clotilde Mesquita Translator: ToFuEjaNi